I'm not the girl that stopped and stared I'm not the girl that lied

dyingxinsidex @ 2005-06-05T20:42:00

2005-06-06T00:49:01Z

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lost more "friends"

2005-06-04T17:27:46Z

i have nothing to do and nothing to look foward to just sitting here all day for 2 months im going to lose it and go crazy if summer keeps going the way it is i wont be alive by the end of the summer

now that my lobes are happy at a 0g im going to go to a 00g

this post is so pintless but i have nothing else to do

ive bought so much shit that i dont need off ebay

andrews all of a sudden not allowed to come so in december hell definetly be able to stay mum says. ugh he says he might be able to come in july and stay in a hotel for a few days which sucks ass but ohwell i cant wait till december so i think its going to end very soon

i got my hair cut i hate it and i got my eyebrows waxed for the first time and im never doing that again

i just want to sleep and wake up august 7th for warped tour and school because that all i have to look foward to

god im pathetic

dyingxinsidex @ 2005-05-29T22:59:00

2005-05-30T02:59:46Z

i hate how i get pissed so easily. i hate how i so hypocritical. i hate how i give up so easily. i hate how i cant do anything good. i hate the fact that i have no talent. i hate how lisa and i arnt friends anymore. i hate how i dont have a job. i hate my mom for getting pregnet. i hate andrew being so far away. i hate temptaion. i hate how i have no self control. i hate how i hurt people. i hate the way i look. i hate the fact aht i only have about 3 friends. i hate always being the one giving in the friendship. i hate getting hurt. i hate being cheated on. i hate being backstabbed. i hate the summer. i hate when people care about me. i hate extacy. i hate when people tell me all their problems but then i cant say a damn thing about myself. i hate how i cant sing. i hate how i sit home all day. i hate my family with the exeption of alyssa and aunt susan. i hate how im never going to go anywhere inlife. i hate how im into photography even though its the only thing i can do good because im ganna end up being some shitty wedding photographer. i hate how warpedtour is the day before school. i hate having curley hair. i hate not being able to stay faithful. i hate how i cant stop taking pills. i hate lieing. i hate the way i do everything. i hate how i feel like im always a disapointment. i hate how i cant stay foucused. i hate telling people shit. i hate always being involved in drama. i hate nightmares.i hate when my friends get hurt because of assholes. i hate drunk drivers. i hate how im so gullable. i hate the feeling of being alone. i hate hating. i hate loving. i hate action movies. i hate being bored. i hate everyone in the state of michigan. i hate not being either extremly happy or extremly sad all the time. i hate being overwelmed. i hate wanting. i hate how my lip ring is crooked. i hate being a girl. i hate growing up. i hate not knowing what my future will be like. i hate the unknown. i hate having no patience. i hate having no money. i hate how i always complain. i hate when people never call me back. i hate having such an early curfew. i hate listening to people cry because of what i did. i hate not being completly honest. i hate livejounral but i cant seem to get away from it. i hate everyone ive ever done anything with exept for 2 people. i hate my stepdad. i hate never knwoing what i want. i hate planes. i hate hurting the person i love.

dyingxinsidex @ 2005-05-29T22:30:00

2005-05-30T02:36:31Z

(x) smoked a cigarette
(x) smoked a cigar
(x) smoked anything else
(x) made out with a member of the same sex
( ) crashed a friend's car

(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight.

( ) snuck out of parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
( ) gone on a blind date

(x) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) seen someone die

( ) had/have a crush on one of your MYSPACE friends
( ) been to Canada
(x) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar

(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
( ) met someone BECAUSE of myspace
(x) been moshing at a concert

(x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
( ) made a snow angel

(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up

(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school

( ) used a fake ID
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake

(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
( ) robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a reindeer/goat

(x) won a contest
(x) been suspended from school
(x) had detention
(x) been in a car accident

( ) had braces
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight

(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes

(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying

(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
( ) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins

(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) kissed in the rain.

(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
( ) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach

( ) crashed a party
(x) have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) gone rollerskating/blading
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey

(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed "penis" in class
(x) ate dog food (ahh the days of truth or dare)
(x) told a complete stranger you loved them

(x) sang in the shower
( ) have a little black dress
( ) fucked in a park
( ) fucked in the bathroom
(x) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something

( ) got your tongue stuck to a pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top

( ) had sex at a church
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night

(x) didnt take a shower for a week
( ) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone

(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
(x) worn a really ugly outfit to school
(x) (skinny dipping?)gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch

( ) played chicken fight
(x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused

(x) caught a fish then ate it
( ) made porn
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed

(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) forgotten someone's name

(x) slept naked
(x) French braided someones hair
(x) gone skinny dippin in a pool
( ) been kicked out of your house

dyingxinsidex @ 2005-05-29T02:14:00

2005-05-29T06:20:06Z

well i didnt have any plans tonight and then a few people come over and before i know it im on the road to orlando to go see BOB DYLAN, it was great i got to see a buch of people trippin,got a free bag of kryp,and actually see bob dylan im pleased with how my night went

ugh i keep getting hit on by these guys and they kept follwing me and thier like did you come with your boyfriend and i said yeah and pointed to the biggest guy i could see

acording to my family im a depressed teenage who is going to be nothing but a loser in life.......i hate my family

andrew and i have been fighting ALOT lately

fuck you

2005-05-26T18:54:40Z

its amazimg how easily your "friends" can stab you in the back not just once but over and over again

<3

2005-05-24T00:15:29Z

"We need to talk"

nothing good ever came from that line......until now

longass update

2005-05-16T01:18:22Z

i think ive been taking too many pills because sometimes im not even on anything and ill just be sitting there and feel like im tripping off something its wo weird

things with andrew are more than wonderful but i need to start being a better girlfriend im kinda mean to him but i do love him and he knows that so i guess thats all that matters and hell be here june sometime which is a month earlier than i thought:)

i took pictures today on a 3 hour walk ah i love walks there so relaxing i saw cami while i was out too

drove around with abby today and yesterday she is a more than awesome driver but she almost hit a few little dogs

i stayed home a few days last week and i guess one of the days was national hiering day so i went to about 10 diffrent places that i know dont give piss tests and they would hier me because of my age and i follwed up on all my old applications i filled out and they all rejected me so this made me end up applying at publix which means no more weed for me for a long time

i bought some pink kaos plugs that are 0g and some light blue marbel plugs which are also 0g so i guess as soon as they come i shall be at a 0 oh the joy

i hate when people are pissed at me for the same exact thing they did to me but somehow i always get blammed

im going to lanas work afetr school tomarrow to see if i can get a summer job*crosses fingers*

ugh my anxiety level has been so high so if i snap at anyone dont be mad at me and i think im ganna start taking my meds for it because it has been really bad lately

i made a cake the otherday it was marble but it came out one colorand dry as sand

<3andrew<3

i have more plugs than i know what to do with

2005-05-15T02:55:02Z

whoever decided i was allowed to have a visa should have rethought that.....ever since november i have been addicted to online shopppng

dyingxinsidex @ 2005-05-09T18:41:00

2005-05-09T22:42:40Z

"You know what im ready to go to jail for murder."

because everyone else is doing it

2005-05-06T12:55:32Z

ugh life is so boring i just wait for the next day tro come and when that day comes i wait for the next what a horrible cycle

andrew and i are doing good weve been together a little over a month now and i guess its as good as it can be right now

i pierced my fourth hold in my ear again and i did my cartlige on both sides it didnt hurt at all concidering how much people say it hurts but when i sleep thats the only time it hurts

grades:A,B,C,F ehh as long as i bring up the f which is a 44% ive only done 2 ests and failed them both so i dont think im ganna pass math

i babysit tomarrow from 7-3 oh the joy

mum said i could get my nose pierced so as soon as i save up the money i can get it

13 more days of school left thank god

i havnt had a goodnights sleep in the past week

i hate anticipation but love it so much at the same time<3

1. Have we kissed?:
2. Do you want to?:
3. What would you like our relationship to be?:
4. Have we dated?:
5. Did you like it?:
6. Do you want to date?:
7. Are we close friends?:
8. Would you be here if I needed you?:
9. Are you attracted to me?:
10. Mentally, sexually, or both?:
11. Do you love me?:

Appearance
Do you like my-

12. Face?:
13. Eyes?:
14. Lips?:
15. Body?:
16. Arms?:
17. Legs?:
18. Clothes?:
19. Ass?:
20. Hands?:
21. Hair?:

Do think I'm-

22. Sexy?:
23. Beautiful?:
24. Hot?:
25. Cute?:

Personality

Do you think I'm-
26. Crazy?:
27. Nice?:
28. Fun to be around?:
29. Funny?:
30. Annoying?:

Would you..

31. Share chocolate with me?:
32. Spend a weekend with me?:
33. Alone?:
34. Hook up with me?:
35. Have sex with me?:
36. Care if I ran away?:
37. Care if I died?:
38. Miss me if I left?:
39. Hang out with me?:

What would you do if..

40. I kissed you?:
41. You found out I was missing?:
42. You found out I was in the hospital?:
43. You found out I was dead?:
44. I cried?:
45. I asked you for help?:
46. I told you I loved you?:
47. I told you I hated you?:
48. Someone told you I wanted you to kiss me?:
49. Someone told you I had a crush on you?:

In the last week have you..

50. Wanted to kiss me?:
51. Wanted to see me?:
52. Wanted to have sex with me?:
53. Wanted to tell me you loved me?:
54. Wanted to spend alone time with me? *wink*:
55. Wanted to get to know me better?:
56. Thought about me?:
57. Missed me?:
58. Wanted me?:
59. Seen me?:
60. Kissed me?:

Have I..

61. Kissed you?
62. Hugged you?
63. Told you I loved you?:
64. Made you happy?:
65. Made you sad?:
66. Made you angry?:
67. Made you feel better if you were upset?:

Are you..

68. Happy you know me?:
69. Going to post this is so I can answer it?

dyingxinsidex @ 2005-05-01T17:18:00

2005-05-01T21:19:45Z

i wasnt even really close to codi execpt during 6th grade

i guess this makes me grateful for everyday

DAYTONA BEACH -- Codi Frances Smith had just telephoned her father from the car she was riding in to let him know she was just a few blocks away from his Bunnell home.

The 16-year-old and two friends were on their way to visit Codi's dad and her older brother James on Friday afternoon.

But seconds after she hung up, the car carrying Codi went off the road and slammed into an oak tree. She was killed instantly, Florida Highway Patrol officials said.

The Seabreeze High School freshman was described Saturday afternoon as "one of the happiest people in the world" by a childhood friend. A throng of family and friends crowded into the small house Codi shared here on North Halifax Avenue with her mother Caroline Fahnestock and her Pomeranian terrier, Miss Cuddles.

"I was the last person to kiss her goodbye," said Codi's brother, James Smith, who saw her body at the crash scene. "She was my baby sister."

Several of the teen's friends huddled together outside the house trying to hold back tears as they reminisced about the young woman with the easy smile and the honey-colored hair.

"At least 75 kids must have come through this house today," James Smith said.

The teens talked about Codi's bubbly personality and how difficult it was to make her angry. They remembered how much she loved NASCAR, hunting with her father James "Sonny" Smith and her big brother and listening and dancing "to any kind of music that had a good beat."

"She grew up here; she lived here from the time she was 5," Fahnestock said, gazing at the little house brimming with visitors.

The conversation prompted 16-year-old Kayla Bright to lose her composure. She sobbed softly when she recalled how nice Codi had been to her when Bright moved here from Massachusetts three years ago.

"She was the first person who came up to me and became my friend," Bright said, wiping her eyes.

Erin Yaeger and Brittany Grunden, the 17-year-old girls Codi was riding with Friday, were both injured in the crash on Old Haw Creek Road in Bunnell, police said. Saturday evening Yaeger, the driver, was listed in serious but stable condition and Grunden was listed in stable condition. Both teens are at Halifax Medical Center.

Police said alcohol was not a factor in the accident; however troopers said they believed Yaeger was speeding. According to a report, Yaeger's car fishtailed moments after she turned onto Old Haw Creek, a dirt road, about 6:15 p.m.

The three girls had left Fahnestock's house just after 4:30 p.m. Friday, James Smith said.

"Police called my father's house from the scene," he said. "I went over there with my father and they uncovered Codi's body for us.

"I kissed her on the forehead and I told her 'Sister, I love you.' "

Funeral arrangements have not been made, Fahnestock said, but several of the teen's friends are planning a candlelight vigil.

ugh little drung binge over here

2005-04-29T03:13:08Z

i dont think ive been sober once in the past week

oc tripp was I think the best\worst ive ever had it was really good but then it started makeing me want to puke and I got all sweaty.

I think I failed me math test which means I pretty much fail the coarse which sucks more than anything.

Andrew called me apparently the person who he was staying with kicked him out so his mum had to pay his way to califonia and couldnt pay his phone bill.Everythings good between him and I, he'll be down here sometime in june or july<3

I bought "The perks of being a wallflower" and another book today.I really need a job i think im down to about 10 bucks in my account

I also bought the journals of Kurt Cobain, he is a genious.I think thats the most amazing thing ive ever read in my life, I have about 40 more pages then im done.

dyingxinsidex @ 2005-04-26T16:23:00

2005-04-26T20:25:07Z

NEW SCREEN NAME----------OnlyOnnSundays

i should have known it was too good to be true

2005-04-18T21:49:43Z

well in the past week i

peirced a forth hole in my ear
took my lip ring out
found out my boyfriend cheated on me
relized that from first to last is a more than awesome band
made a new friend
stayed home everynight for the past 2 weeks exept for 2 times
relized i really dont have any friends

i made a deal with my mum that if i quit smoking till like july or august than andrew could stay for 2-3 weeks over the summer everything was going fine i didnt smoke for 2 weeks then i found out he cheated on me and i cant even call him or anything because his phone got turned off that little fucker, since he can go off and do whatever with whoever so can i

im supposed to hang with sean tonight but who knows

gold spray paint is the best thing in the world

hmm

2005-04-07T20:45:58Z

my mum said shed sign the paper for me to get my lip repeirced which means i have to let it close up for like 3 weeks=\ive had it for 2 years and its crooked i mean ive always known but its really starting to bother me now

i dont know if i want to get it repeirced in the middle or on the side but if i got it on the side then i would want to get the other side but i dont know if id look right with snakebites......

or maybe something else like my eyebrow or my nostril, septem even?

any suggestions?

i watched a movie called eternal sunhine or something i dont rember but it was really really really good

dyingxinsidex @ 2005-04-03T20:17:00

2005-04-04T00:18:18Z

glad know i am so hated

a quater of a thousand million dollers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-04-03T16:07:56Z

spring break is over how depressing is that

i didnt really even do anything i just sat home by myself for most of it

i hungout with zach and amy yesterday i think that was the only day i actually left my house

i had so much work to do for school since ive been missing so much school and i dont even remember what the assignments were now=\

im going out with andrew now which i think is good for me

i should have the cable modem thing working by today or tomarrow hopefully

nyqil is so addicting

oh and abby you have no room to call me a whore

dyingxinsidex @ 2005-03-29T13:35:00

2005-03-29T18:36:30Z

well past week i have been happier than i have been in a long time

watched some movies with sean
watched him change his flater than flat tire
lost pretty much all my "friends" i have about 3 or 4 now and im perfectly fine with that
got A,A,C,C on my report card
finally smoked with zach
got sick
faught with brian and he cut the dsl cord to the computer
bought some new clothes
dowlsized the gauge in my ear

friday night i was sitting on my mums trunk waiting for sean to pull up while i was waiting i saw some old man riding his bike down the street so i looked away then as son as i looked back at him he hit the peoples mailbox across the street and he did a flp over his bike, being the bitch that i am i just laughed then walked over to help him he was brething like he was trying to give birth and so i asked him what was wrong if he needed an ambulence(sp?) he said i need an minute so he was soooooo drunk it was so funny, i went to get my mum then i called 911 and i tried not laugh too loud when i was talking to the 911 people.2 abumelnces(sp?) and a fire truck came oh the joy.we still have his bike in front of my house the police said theyd come and get it but they havnt so anyone want it come get it its been almost a week now their loss.

LAST POST

2005-03-22T22:04:32Z

i fuckin give up

im tierd of everyone being pissed at me for one thing or another when i did nothing wrong at all and now i have a bunch of people pissed at me

i really dont care anymore im done with it

and about all this lj shit im done with that too so this is my last pot

I NEED HELP!!!!!!

2005-03-21T21:46:53Z

ugh i cant fix my aim, ive tried everything

everytime i sign on i can so anything but as soon as i IM someone it eitherdoesnt type or if it does it sendsout and error message saying that it need to shut down

ive uninstalled and reinstalled it so many times

anyone have any ideas if what it could be?

you know sometimes your just too high for life

2005-03-18T03:26:26Z

oh man

i was talking to zach and all of a sudden the phone like went gay and i ended up hearing another persons conversation it was this guys and he was all hey when are you coming to the party its really easy to find there a ton of cars out side .we have 3 kegs and theres a ton of horney chicks wanting to get laid........then it swithced back over to zach again

life is more than good

dyingxinsidex @ 2005-03-14T20:22:00

2005-03-15T01:29:30Z

Fcat tomarrow oh what joy

friday to upset to go anywhere
saterday i hungout with lisa ,sean and gus and walked around pretty much
sunday out with sean,jeff and abby,fleamarket,bowling for what seems like 5 hours
today slept in and hung with amy....

lame is what my weekend was i mean nothing exciting happend it was just there ,nothing good or bad just boring

once again im not getting along with brian=\

my mum and i have been arguing alot latley

i bought another new pair of plugs today

lastnights sleep for me seemd to be only like 10 minutes

im really confused about everything right now think i know what i want but im not entierly sure

my crying needs to stop

2005-03-12T01:08:09Z

i have the worst chaplips but thats the least of my problems....

i think i did really good on my final in math even thought it was a 65

i was giving erik a bath look how much fun he was having

cant you just see the joy in his face!!!!! ehh he wasnt so happy so i spiked his hair

bath times over oh well it gave me some good laughs

here i go again=(

2005-03-10T23:11:42Z

another perfect exapmle of why i dont get my emotions involved